How can time fly by, yet seem to go nowhere?

It's been far too long missing your smile. Just once more... for even a second....

Miss you so much!

Love you always!

365 Days of Eternity

One year ago today I put our sweet Olivia back to bed after her 2am feeding. I rocked her to sleep, kissed her forehead, rubbed her cheeks, and whispered "I Love You, Sleep Well." Little did I know, as I quietly pulled the door shut and crawled back into bed beside Sara, that I had just spent my last moments with our precious Peanut.

The stillness of that Sunday morning was completely misleading, soon to be broken by the frantic cries and screams of breaking hearts and shattered lives. When I woke up to sun streaming into our room rather than cries from the baby monitor, I knew something was wrong. I checked the clock, it said 9am, a bit past Olivia's usual wake-up time. As soon as I opened the door to her room, I knew my recurring nightmare had come true. Holding my precious Olivia, still and lifeless, no cooing, no crying, no giggling, no wiggling, just still; a quiet peaceful look on her face. She had departed this life after fitting more into her 6 short months than many people experience in a lifetime.

Life is just a Roller Coaster

Even though it's been quite a while since I written anything in this blog, it's never been far from my mind. The last months have had ups and downs, with the downs luckily not reaching depths that they did in the early months after Olivia's death. I have been able to set aside times to grieve, or at least control & suppress what 'normal company' would consider 'inappropriate' times to grieve in public. I've found that if I create a routine that allows for my private & sometimes public expression of grief, life proceeds much more smoothly. Even though the majority of Olivia's ashes are at home with us on her Memorial Shelf so she's with us every day, I still try to make it to Olivia's grave once a week.

Life is just a Roller Coaster

Even though it's been quite a while since I written anything in this blog, it's never been far from my mind. The last months have had had ups and downs, with the downs luckily not reaching depths that they did in the early months after Olivia's death. I have been able to set aside times to grieve, or at least control & suppress what 'normal company' would consider 'inappropriate' times to grieve in public. I've found that if I create a routine that allows for my private & sometimes public expression of grief, life proceeds much more smoothly. Even though the majority of Olivia's ashes are at home with us on her Memorial Shelf so she's with us every day, I still try to make it to Olivia's grave once a week.

Turning a Corner or Just Turning Circles?

First I'd like to thank everyone who has provided us support since I started this blog, but especially the kind words over the last few weeks. It's obviously been a difficult couple of weeks since Olivia's 1st Birthday, but we have managed to make it through 'to the other side' and have grown in the process. Thanks.

There have been days recently where it seems easier to smile, I don't know if it's partly the slow movement from a long gray winter to the bright, crisp early signs of spring, a slow acceptance of what is and how life will be w/o her, or if it's just a temporary respite before the next storm?

Living in a Parallel Universe

Dearest Olivia,

Today you turn one year old. While I know you can't read yet, I still feel the need write you this note, maybe someday you'll cherish these words like we cherish you. No words can express the pride and joy you have brought to your mother and I. Even when you have a "Grumpy Morning," soon enough we are able to coax out that broad mischievous grin, before you know it we're all laughing. Sometimes I think you do that on purpose, just to squeeze out some extra time from me before I have to go work.

We would love to take you to the Zoo today, but given that it's February we'll have to wait a couple more months before the weather is warm enough for you to enjoy seeing all the animals. Instead I think we'll head over to Grandma's house and have a party there. I can't wait to see you dig into the cake, chocolate, with lots of frosting. I suspect you'll end up wearing more of it than actually eating it, but hey it's a party.

I just know when you see the stack of presents, you'll point and bounce up and down in your seat... yes we've spoiled you already, you know all about presents. When we set you on the ground you delicately stand, toddle a step or two, before landing on your backside and deciding that crawling is still much more efficient way to get to the presents. As you shake, throw and rip your presents, you chatter endlessly to yourself sometimes sounding like real words, but not distinct enough to really know.

After an exciting afternoon, you are never happy about taking a nap, fussing and crying all the while mom and I are hoping to get a nice nap too. Soon enough you sleep for a while and everyone feels much better for it. The rest of the day is spent playing with your new toys, the wrapping paper, and chasing your "itty" (kitty) around the room. When we finally tuck you in after a long and adventuresome day, you give us both a great hug and kiss (well a slobber), and tuck you into bed. We take turns reading the new Olivia book you got from Auntie Melinda, but within minutes you are sound asleep, smile plastered on your face. Happy in your own world of dreams.

Sweet Dreams my Love, Happy Birthday in your World.

I Love You
I Miss You
Happy Birthday Olivia.

Unrequited Love

If you have browsed across these pages, I'm sure you have been able to notice that music plays an important role in my life. When I'm not in the company of family and friends I can usually be found attached to a pair of headphones and an iPod. Growing up I was immersed in music from as early as I can remember. My parents always had music playing in the background - mainly classical. My brothers and I were always enrolled in some music class, whether violin, piano or voice up until we were out of high school. I do have to admit that while I enjoyed the music, I never had the talent to make much more of it than develop a lifelong enjoyment of all things musical. I provide this preface to give some more background to my use of songs as therapy during trying times in my life.

I will lay out the songs as they came to me chronologically and explain what grabbed me about them. Here's a LINK to the zip file with the full MP3's if you're interested in downloading the compilation (~80MB).